Its 6:58 pm and the young man pulls up and parks his car in front of the house. He takes a deep breath for reassurance and steps out of the car. His nerves twitching almost as if he is walking down the aisle. When he reaches the door he pauses. Hearing his heart beat speed up, he knocks twice, cause once will be ignored and three times will get annoying he tells himself. The parents open the door and the young girl whom he is taking out for the first time tonight steps out. As he quickly walks back to the car her father yells out “Be back by 11.”

 
Growing up this scenario is what we have associated with the typical American “first date,” but as a Somali I have never had this type of experience or anything near it to say the least. This begs the questions of what is dating? and how is dating perceived in the Somali community?

In trying to get this very controversial question in perspective I interviewed a few people who are Somali youth members. The Somali community and its culture is closely intertwined with Muslim beliefs and ideals. Naturally we know that dating within the Somali community is not accepted, at least not by the elder generation. In my research I have found there is a generational gap between the elders and the youth. The youth have taken on a very American perspective and have come to accept dating as a normal aspect of their lives.

One individual I spoke to, Mr. Jama said: “Dating is getting to know a person or testing out the waters.” This is the common theme amongst everyone I interviewed. Everyone eluded to the concept of dating in order to get married. As Hamdi put it: “Dating is a process of trial and error.” This can be translated to mean that in order to get married today’s Somali youth have found that dating is necessary. With this goal in mind none of the people I interviewed seemed to mind dating.

The most interesting part of this discussion is that the very same people stated that dating is considered “unacceptable” or “contradictory.” Someone even said it is “deviant” for a person to date. When asked to elaborate on these comments, one gentlemen named Mohamed explained how he feels the Somali community should go about the process of finding the person that they will marry. He said that when two people want to get to know one another they should first involve their parents and establish an intent to marry from the beginning. With the consent of the parents the two individuals proceed to interact and “get know each other.” These interactions would involve the two individuals plus a “Wali” who would be a direct male relative of the women.

The topic of sex and dating also has conflicting viewpoints.  The question was asked: “How do you feel about sex and the place of sex within the Somali community?”  My guests responded with similar sentiments to dating but in a much more definitive fashion. One gentlemen stated that when a person is having premarital sex they cease to be a Muslim. Nevertheless my guests recognized that sex amongst youth is becoming more and more prevalent between the ages of 16-20. Generally when Somali young people reach 21 and older they become more conscious of their religion and tend to steer away from premarital sex. The conclusion that my guests came up with is that as first and second generation Somali-Americans get older and become more integrated within American society we will see the Somali community become more accepting of dating and premarital sex.